I Have a Stalker 🐈‍⬛

He's furry and weighs 15 Pounds

The Man and I talk about animals a lot. Doing little voices when we see dogs on the street, that kind of thing.

So naturally, we discuss Mr. Kitty and his personality at great length.

And recently we came to the conclusion that if Mr. Kitty was a man, he would definitely be my stalker.

A loving stalker. But a stalker nonetheless.

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I started making this analogy in my mind because he has definitely chosen me as “his” human.

Don’t get me wrong, he loves The Man and they definitely have “guy time” when I’m not around.

But Mr. Kitty obsessively loves me.

He lays on my legs at night, using my feet and shins as his kitty back support.

As I type this, he is laying on my leg and forearm, purring loudly, and demanding eye contact from me.

He always demands the eye contact.

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He also doesn’t like it when he can’t see me if he wants to.

Case in point: the bathroom.

There’s a chair in “his” room that he likes to sleep on the back of.

It also offers him a vantage point to watch me in the bathroom.

If I’m in there brushing my teeth or washing my face with the door open, there he is, perched on his chair keeping an eye on me.

He gets extremely vexed if I close the door.

So of course the little shit figured out how to open it.

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If I’m in there with the door closed, he opens it with his paws and waltzes in to look at me.

Sometimes the little freakshow will go into the bathtub and pee on the drain.

If I really want privacy, I have to wedge the bathroom door closed with the door from the linen closet.

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He also likes to show me that I’m his, and he’s the boss.

He rubs the coffee table near where I sit on the couch with his face to mark it with his scent.

If he approaches me and I’m busy, he starts purring loudly, demanding eye contact, and making huffy sounds and head butting me to get my attention.

Sometimes when he gets all demand-y and angry, he’ll get this look in his eye when he scream meows at me — so I know he means it.

He puts his shoulder into it, too.

Usually that look in his eye followed by a scream meow precedes him clawlessly attacking my leg because he’s not getting the attention he wants.

What a kitty psycho!

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If I’ve been gone all day he gets extremely starved for Mom time.

So when I get home, he follows me around, meowing loudly, assuming the “pick me up” position until he gets his “hug.”

Which is me picking him up and plopping him on my shoulder like a sack of potatoes while I scratch his back and he purrs like a maniac and gives my hand kitty kisses.

If he’s feeling particularly neglected that day, he might give me a soft “love bite” on the arm like the crazed and spoiled kitty he is.

While he’s purring, naturally.

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But the thing that made The Man and I laugh the most was the moment he cemented our suspicion that he sees The Man as a rival for my affections.

Mr. Kitty likes to get cozy on my arm when I’m laying on our sofa.

One evening, The Man and I were holding hands while we were watching tv, and Mr. Kitty decided it was time to get comfortable.

He walked up to me and got purry and huffy, as he is wont to do.

Then he shoved his way onto my arm and kicked The Man’s hand away with his back leg.

We honestly couldn’t believe it — especially because we had just been discussing how Mr. Kitty was my stalker a half hour before.

Thank god he only weighs fifteen pounds and depends on me for food.

The little asshole 😂😂

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